Why We Shake the Ladder — Understanding Resistance to Others' Success

You know the phrase "pulling up the ladder" — the idea that once someone reaches a place of success or security, they make it harder for others to follow? There's a related phenomenon I think about often, and it's slightly different: what I call "shaking the ladder" while someone else is still climbing it.

It's the subtle undermining. The well-timed comment that plants doubt. The "I don't know if you're ready for that." The lukewarm support when someone you know is doing something brave. The quiet discomfort you feel when someone in your circle starts doing better — and the way that discomfort sometimes leaks out sideways.

I want to write about this today not to shame anyone, but because I think it's one of the more honest things I can do: name a very human experience that most of us would rather not admit to.

The Psychology Behind It

When we see someone close to us — a sibling, a friend, a colleague — step into a bigger life, there are several things that can happen internally. Sometimes we feel genuinely happy for them. And sometimes, alongside that happiness or instead of it, we feel something more uncomfortable.

Comparison. Inadequacy. A quiet voice that says: if they can do it, why can't I? Or its darker twin: if they succeed, does that mean I haven't?

This is not a character flaw. It's a very normal response to perceived scarcity — the ancient, tribal belief that there is only so much success, status, or security to go around, and someone else having more means you have less. Consciously we know this isn't true. Emotionally it can feel absolutely real.

What It Reveals

Here's the thing about uncomfortable feelings like envy or competitive anxiety: they are almost always pointing to something we want for ourselves. The friend who is writing a book and publishing it. The colleague who left a safe job to start something of their own. The person in your life who just seems to be living more fully than you feel you are.

Their success is activating something in you. And rather than the activation being a problem, it's information. An arrow pointing toward your own unlived life.

Turning It Around

Instead of letting that discomfort leak out toward the person who triggered it, try sitting with the question: what is this feeling telling me about what I want? And then: what is one small thing I could do in the direction of that?

Other people's success is not the enemy. Your own fear is the only thing between you and the life you want.

This kind of honest self-examination is some of the most valuable work there is. It's exactly what I support clients with — not to be hard on themselves, but to understand themselves. If you'd like a space for that kind of exploration, my free discovery call is always open. Deb x